Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
