I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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