I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
