The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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