This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
her vagine was all disorganized.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
