So drunk its hurt
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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