I'm lost and stupid without you.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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