i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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