proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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