Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
