apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize