3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
