I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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