Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
