I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
