I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
