Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
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