ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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