I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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