I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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