Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
