why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
