i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
