decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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