i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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