my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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