dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
