Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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