1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
