Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize