I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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