I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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