when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
