i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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