your room smells of hookers.
And success
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
