Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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