It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
