and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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