Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
