Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
