What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize