No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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