Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
