Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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