They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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