do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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