i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Ketchup is God's man juice
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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