he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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