3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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