so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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