Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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