I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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