remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
