Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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