new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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