he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
