i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
