If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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