I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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