i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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