Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
