Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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