Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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