The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
