So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize