I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize