It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize