It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I don't deserve a penis
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
