omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
