you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i will never coherently bang her
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
